31

I’m 31 today.

I have never really made a 5 year plan, a 1 year plan, a 1 month plan, hardly even a 1 week plan.

I never saw my future. Looking forward has always been cloudy. Now I’m 31.

I’m in school studying science, and I still don’t see my future. I take it day by day and I don’t know any other way. I’m 31 today.

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Do you like to hurt?

I think I did my best writing when I was in a manic period. I haven’t been that way in a year. Sometimes I miss it. I could write with passion. Pain made me. I was an emotional masochist. I loved to hurt. It made me feel like someone cared enough about me to make me feel some way. Even in a bad way, it was some way.

Go to sleep

it’s 6pm and I just ate dinner
I lay to rest in bed
I’m exhausted from nothing
but I need to rest

he comes to check on me
he had been asking a day whats wrong
and I feel guilty
for being this way

i am silent
and then I say
‘I am so tired of being tired’
now I am crying
and he leans over to hug me
and he says its ok
i am here for you

My kind of suicidal ideation

I’ll never do it, really. But I have been preoccupied with thoughts of it a lot lately. I let my foot slip off the break pedal a little when I am waiting in traffic. It’s stupid but I keep thinking of driving into traffic. I was in a car accident once where my car spun out and I lost control. My coffee cup in the holder went flying, I went flying. I closed my eyes real tight and I screamed as the car flew into the air. I was alone in the car and it was dark and I was on the freeway.

I think I want to lose control like in that car accident. And I can’t stop thinking about it.

Getting healthy for real

I joined gym again about a month ago. At first, I was so gun-ho. Or is it gung-ho? It’s become kind of a struggle to find time between working, eating dinner, and wanting to lay in bed in the dark all evening.

I have gained 60lbs in the last 4 years. Before that, uppers were my savior. Every sad, horrible feeling that I didn’t know how to deal with had disappeared. I had so much energy. I thought I was finally truly happy. The sun was always shining for me and I lost 25 lbs. I tried it again last year and it didn’t work. I was desperate.

I’m trying to do this legit now. Hard work, healthy food choices, and not rushing myself or looking for a quick fix.

How do you wake up in the morning?

I usually get out of bed around 4:30am-5:00am. The 2nd thing that pops into my mind every morning is a song. Any random song. And its stuck in my head until 6:06 when I drive to work. I might not have heard it for years and there it is. I try to set the tone of the day by thinking of positive songs if I start off with a negative one. Its interesting and some days its kind of annoying. It’s better than the non-stop counting I do, sometimes. 39-40-41-42-43…..as I feed my dog. I hate doing that but I can’t stop myself.

I don’t really know what to write about. Things have been good outside of me. Internally, I am struggling to make it through the day. I try to figure out what exactly making me feel so sad. I can’t come up with anything. I am lonely and irritable and whiny, though. I hate being that way.

Massage

Once a week for 3 weeks longer, I see a massage therapist for a work injury. I sprained my back badly last November. It was a terrible pain but mostly it has subsided.

I want to write about this because I am in awe of how my mood has improved from getting off the massage table today. Where for the past week I had been feeling angry, miserable and abandoned, I now feel euphoric. I feel this high and I don’t want it to leave.

Everything is beautiful

On losing my therapist

Last Wednesday I went to LWC for my bi weekly therapy appointment. As usual, 4pm on a Wednesday. I was looking forward to this session as I had new things to talk about. I needed to talk about. After some weeks of stagnation, I wanted to talk.

Checking in at the front desk, the receptionist has a horrified and concerned look on her face. “He doesn’t work here anymore.” I was crushed. In shock. Devastated. The receptionist was flustered and told me to wait so she could call someone I could talk to. I waited and a man came out, his replacement. He told me he was very busy and we could talk for a few minutes but then I had to go. I felt kind of numb and dumb. Honestly abandoned. I didn’t like this new man. His rushing me, my presence was a nuisance it seemed.

I still made an appointment for the following week.

I felt alone.

I question whether it is normal for me to feel so upset about losing my therapist. I am kind of angry. I feel like crying. Like something has been ripped from me and I get no say. It’s not my business where he went or why. But, where did he go, and why? Am I so insignificant that I can be left behind? I am grieving but is that OK? My heart feels a little heavy, but is that OK? Am I allowed to miss my therapist, or am I too attached?

I am hiding it. I am about to explode with tears.

Sickness

My breaths are sullen, shaky and shallow. Maybe if I don’t move you won’t really be leaving me here. Maybe if I don’t move, nothing will change.
Things aren’t the same now. The exiliration has come to a screeching halt. The anxiety and anticipation of you, its gone, too. I am not allowed to have it anymore. It’s all been replaced with the heavy reality that there is a sickness here. We have to stop now.