it’s 6pm and I just ate dinner
I lay to rest in bed
I’m exhausted from nothing
but I need to rest
he comes to check on me
he had been asking a day whats wrong
and I feel guilty
for being this way
i am silent
and then I say
‘I am so tired of being tired’
now I am crying
and he leans over to hug me
and he says its ok
i am here for you
I’ll never do it, really. But I have been preoccupied with thoughts of it a lot lately. I let my foot slip off the break pedal a little when I am waiting in traffic. It’s stupid but I keep thinking of driving into traffic. I was in a car accident once where my car spun out and I lost control. My coffee cup in the holder went flying, I went flying. I closed my eyes real tight and I screamed as the car flew into the air. I was alone in the car and it was dark and I was on the freeway.
I think I want to lose control like in that car accident. And I can’t stop thinking about it.
I joined gym again about a month ago. At first, I was so gun-ho. Or is it gung-ho? It’s become kind of a struggle to find time between working, eating dinner, and wanting to lay in bed in the dark all evening.
I have gained 60lbs in the last 4 years. Before that, uppers were my savior. Every sad, horrible feeling that I didn’t know how to deal with had disappeared. I had so much energy. I thought I was finally truly happy. The sun was always shining for me and I lost 25 lbs. I tried it again last year and it didn’t work. I was desperate.
I’m trying to do this legit now. Hard work, healthy food choices, and not rushing myself or looking for a quick fix.
I usually get out of bed around 4:30am-5:00am. The 2nd thing that pops into my mind every morning is a song. Any random song. And its stuck in my head until 6:06 when I drive to work. I might not have heard it for years and there it is. I try to set the tone of the day by thinking of positive songs if I start off with a negative one. Its interesting and some days its kind of annoying. It’s better than the non-stop counting I do, sometimes. 39-40-41-42-43…..as I feed my dog. I hate doing that but I can’t stop myself.
I don’t really know what to write about. Things have been good outside of me. Internally, I am struggling to make it through the day. I try to figure out what exactly making me feel so sad. I can’t come up with anything. I am lonely and irritable and whiny, though. I hate being that way.
Once a week for 3 weeks longer, I see a massage therapist for a work injury. I sprained my back badly last November. It was a terrible pain but mostly it has subsided.
I want to write about this because I am in awe of how my mood has improved from getting off the massage table today. Where for the past week I had been feeling angry, miserable and abandoned, I now feel euphoric. I feel this high and I don’t want it to leave.
Everything is beautiful
Last Wednesday I went to LWC for my bi weekly therapy appointment. As usual, 4pm on a Wednesday. I was looking forward to this session as I had new things to talk about. I needed to talk about. After some weeks of stagnation, I wanted to talk.
Checking in at the front desk, the receptionist has a horrified and concerned look on her face. “He doesn’t work here anymore.” I was crushed. In shock. Devastated. The receptionist was flustered and told me to wait so she could call someone I could talk to. I waited and a man came out, his replacement. He told me he was very busy and we could talk for a few minutes but then I had to go. I felt kind of numb and dumb. Honestly abandoned. I didn’t like this new man. His rushing me, my presence was a nuisance it seemed.
I still made an appointment for the following week.
I felt alone.
I question whether it is normal for me to feel so upset about losing my therapist. I am kind of angry. I feel like crying. Like something has been ripped from me and I get no say. It’s not my business where he went or why. But, where did he go, and why? Am I so insignificant that I can be left behind? I am grieving but is that OK? My heart feels a little heavy, but is that OK? Am I allowed to miss my therapist, or am I too attached?
I am hiding it. I am about to explode with tears.
My breaths are sullen, shaky and shallow. Maybe if I don’t move you won’t really be leaving me here. Maybe if I don’t move, nothing will change.
Things aren’t the same now. The exiliration has come to a screeching halt. The anxiety and anticipation of you, its gone, too. I am not allowed to have it anymore. It’s all been replaced with the heavy reality that there is a sickness here. We have to stop now.
I have been 30 for a month now. Before my birthday I dyed my raven hair bubblegum pink. That lasted 2 months. Then I chopped my mid-back length hair off up to my chin and dyed it black again. I cut off all the stories tangled in my hair.
I can see my body betraying me. I don’t fight hard enough against it, though. My skin doesn’t feel soft and supple. My chest is covered in marks. I see 4 different doctors. My ankles are weak from not being careful enough. My under eyes are sunken like my father’s now. I am tired. I am wheezy. I stare at the ceiling.
My therapist asked to see some of my writing that I keep to myself. At home, hidden between books and knick knacks. I chose a piece and tried not look at his face when he read it.
Not everything I write is sad, really. I see his eyebrows raise and lower, he adjusts his reading glasses. He laughs and I cringe.
It is very intetesting to hear his interpretation of a poem I wrote. He likened it to me searching for my mania. Which I do but it wasn’t what I thought of when I wrote it.
Anyway, now that it is Fall, my focus is no longer on Spring time rhymes.
Here she is again
Awake at 3am
Making pancakes and
Doing all the dishes before work
Taking a shower isn’t a chore today
It isn’t scary
I’m all dressed up
With nowhere to go
Smiling and giving a
To every stranger
I am floating
Singing to the new songs
Standing in the rain
Running and screaming to the sky in the rain
She is so happy to be alive today
Everything is easy now
Nothing hurts now